Seven Rules of Cellular Telephone Etiquette

© Dr. Gary D. Lemmons, December 17, 2006

It seems to me that someone somewhere should come up with a “code of etiquette” for the possession and use of cellular telephones.  That being true, I suspect that I and this column have about as much right to make the attempt as anyone or anywhere else, so here goes.  Below are "Seven Rules of Cellular Telephone Etiquette."

Rule Number 1.  Cellular telephone “tones,” as a rule, should be kept on medium.  This is so that when the device rings it will not shock the guano out of the poor, unsuspecting person standing or sitting next to you.

Rule Number 2.  You DO NOT have to shout into the cellular telephone for the person on the other end to hear you.  If you do, you need to replace your cellular telephone!

Rule Number 3.  While it is possible to drive while using the cellular telephone, be sure to use the equipment that is designed for that purpose.  Do not be guilty of trying to look at and dial a cellular telephone while you are driving.  It can have jolting results when you hit the vehicle in front of you.

Rule Number 4.  If you receive a cellular telephone call in a public place, especially a restaurant, please excuse yourself to a more private location.  The public has no interest in how Uncle Bartholomew’s corns are, or whether or not you are to bring bread and milk home this evening.

Rule Number 5.  If you are in a public meeting such as church, lodge, or a governmental hearing, make sure to put your cellular telephone on silent running or vibration status.

Rule Number 6.  If you are at a funeral, turn your cellular telephone off.  If you can’t be away from your cellular telephone long enough to attend a funeral, don’t go.

Rule Number 7.  If you are at a funeral and if you have forgotten to turn your cellular telephone off and if it rings, please, please, please, DO NOT ANSWER THE DAMN THING AND CARRY ON A CONVERSATION!

The observance of these rules, while likely not solving all of the difficulties arising with the use of the cellular telephone, will certainly address the major maladies that attend cellular telephone usage.