The Continuing Saga of Anna Nicole 

© Dr. Gary D. Lemmons, February 24, 2007

I am ashamed of it but…on Wednesday, Feb.21, while suffering from my regular, late winter, upper respiratory infection, I retired back to bed and turned on the T.V.  While not meaning to do so, I became entranced in the hearing in Judge Larry Seidlin’s probate court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, which determined who was to receive custody of the remains of Anna Nicole Smith (aka: Vickie Lynn Marshall), and, by extension, where this pitiable young woman will be buried.

The parade of principals in this case consisted of a rogue’s gallery of social parasites. It is clear that these folks were swarming like a hoard of helminthes to get their part of whatever is left of Anna Nicole…mainly the money!

First out was Anna Nicole’s mother, Virgie Arthur, a retired Texas police officer. Despite a quite effective Comedy Club type routine and a plunge into a grief-stricken moment at the mention of the death of her grandson, Daniel, Virgie was caught in a lie just after lunch and her credibility crashed in flames.

Then, Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole’s (lawyer, manager, lover, lackey, gofer), testified. What a loser. His claim to fame was that he is living off money “borrowed” from his parents.

Oh, by the way, there is a better chance that I am the father of baby Danielynn than this clown. He is a piece of work.

By far, the “star” witness appears to have been Larry Birkhead. He seemed to be honest and forthright, but it was clear that he, too, was a “hanger on” to Anna Nicole during their relationship.

Throughout the proceedings, the conduct of the attorneys reminded me of the universal truth that the lowest class of professional has to be that of lawyers. This pack of piranhas went after their opponent’s witnesses and each other with a fury. They asked the same question at least three times and would have asked it again had the judge, who is something of a character himself, not intervened. There were, of course, no Perry Masons or Matlocks among them; neither was there very much class.

Based upon what I saw, if I were the judge, I would have ordered Anna Nicole interred in the Bahamas next to her late son, Daniel. Further, if I had, had the authority, I would have ordered ALL monies in her estate now existent or that will come into existence as a result of legal proceedings, held in trust for her baby daughter, Danielynn…with the trustee being a bonded professional, non-family member…regardless of the child’s parentage.  As to the actual custody of the child, I would send her to foster care.

Judge Seidlin, who took a lot of guff for turning what should have been a four hour hearing into a 4 day television circus, agreed with much of my stand in the matter.   In his eccentric way, he wore down the piranha lawyers and loser principals in this tragic case, and in the end he did what was right.   He ordered Anna Nicole’s body released to the guardian ad litem of six month old Danielynn, the next of kin.  Likely, Anna Nicole will rest beside Daniel in the Bahamas.

There is one other thing.  Had I been Judge Seidlin, I would have fined each one of the collection of legal parasites (lawyers) $10,000 for giving me a pain in the posterior.

A plague on all their houses!